The Adventures of the Evil Queen and the Bandit King
by Lynyrd Lionheart
Summary: Regina and Robin are on a quest to contact Emma and, by association, Henry. Things don't go too smoothly between two people who can't stand each other. The course to true love never did run smooth.


**AN: I am embarking on a new ship: Outlaw Queen/Regal Arrow. I want it, almost as badly as I want Captain Swan. I imagine Regina and Robin as fighting horribly at first. Going with that head canon, this takes place early days into their relationship, where there is, as of yet, no relationship and they basically just go at each other with sarcasm. Pleas enjoy:**

**The Adventures of the Evil Queen and the Outlaw King**

"Snow was right, you are the perfect one for this quest."

"Do you really have to do this?"

"I mean, really, we are _exactly_ where I always planned to end up. I didn't even realize the perfect place to achieve our goal was from a net _ten feet off the ground_ until you got us caught up in one."

"_I_ got us caught? Now listen here, _your majesty_, you were the-"

"I especially liked that part earlier, where you lost us our horses."

"Well, perhaps if you were to actually _listen _to m-"

"Oh, stop arguing and figure out a way to get us down, _thief_. Unless, of course, a net is too much trouble for you?"

Robin muttered a curse under his breath and tried to maneuver himself so he could reach his knife. He managed to graze it with his fingers, and he cursed again, because to reach it properly he was going to have to practically shove his face right into the breasts of the Evil Queen, and that wasn't something Robin much looked forward to.

Not that they weren't nice breasts… they were. Very nice. It was who they were attached to that wasn't so nice.

Regina Mills, the Evil Queen. Bane of the Enchanted Forest and, thanks to Snow's puppy eyes and pleading, Robin's brand new travel buddy. And wasn't that just bloody brilliant? Lost royalty returns, and rather than getting to celebrate, Robin gets sent on an odyssey with the one that had made them lost in the first place.

_But she was seeking redemption._

Robin bit back the bitter laughter he wanted to release at the remembrance of Snow's explanation – that the Queen had adopted a boy who made her want to be better, and shouldn't they give her a chance? – and shoved his face forward towards the very nice bosom that belonged to the not-so-nice queen.

"What do you think you're doin – oh."

"Yes, oh," Robin agreed as he held up the knife he had managed to retrieve from his ankle. "Don't worry, your majesty. I'm not trying to touch you, just trying to get us down."

"Yes. Well then, go ahead… wait!"

Robin paused his sawing motion on the rope that held them aloft and glanced back at Regina with brows raised in question.

"Yes, _your majesty_?" Robin sighed when Regina didn't explain her interruption.

"Isn't there a better way? If you just hack away like a lumberjack on Christmas then we're both in for some lovely bruises."

Robin considered this, looking between the ground and the queen. She was right, of course. The fall would cause some pain… but oh, the thought of Regina falling ten feet and being forced to walk the rest of the day in splendid dishevelment was just too much for Robin to resist. He felt the stirring of a devilish smirk rising to his face at the same time Regina's eyes began to widen in realization.

"I suggest you brace yourself," he advised.

And then, with a strong jerk of his wrist, he sent them plummeting to the ground.

Regina swore she had never met anyone quite as infuriating as Robin Hood. Not even Snow White and Charming, with all their pathetic optimism and too sweet love, made her want to scream as much as the idiotic _bandit_. If she had once thought him roguishly attractive, well… that had changed as soon as he had opened his mouth.

She couldn't quite say what infuriated her more – his utter lack of care for her person, the way he called her _your majesty_, as if she were the punch line of some joke only he knew.

And now this. The final straw.

"You are an asshole!" She stated – not yelled, because Regina didn't yell. And if it was spoken at perhaps a slightly higher volume than usual… well, that was just to be certain the words made it through his thick skull – as she pulled herself to her feet and straightened her dress. She rather missed the prim and proper suits she had worn in Storybrooke; the wardrobe she had once again adopted in the Enchanted Forest was, of course, fabulous, but it wasn't quite suited to falling ten feet. There was far too much danger of wardrobe malfunctions.

"You wanted me to get us down," Robin replied, and though he winced slightly when he rubbed his rump, there was still a shadow of a smirk on his face, and an infuriating sparkles in his eyes.

"I wanted you to get us down, not drop us ten feet like a sack of potatoes! Are you always this incompetent, or am I just lucky?" Regina hissed, before whirling around in a dramatic which of skirt and stalking down the path. Perhaps Robin wasn't going to take this mission seriously, but Regina was. If Rumplestilskin was correct, then they were headed for a magical mirror that should allow them contact with Emma.

And through Emma? Contact with _Henry_.

Regina wouldn't let anyone, especially not some infuriating thief that had apparently once taught Snow White the ways of a bandit, to get in the way of that.

"Now look here, _Your majesty-_"

"Stop saying it like that!" Regina shrieked, whirling back on the thief.

"Like what?" Robin replied, stomping up so their noses were almost touching.

"Like it's something dirty, or something to be mocked! I _was_ the Queen once, thief. Just because everyone else put _Evil_ in front of it, doesn't mean it wasn't a legitimate title!"

"Yes, a title you stole through thievery and manipulation… tell me, _Your Majesty_, who is the real thief between us?"

Regina took a step back from him at that, feeling almost as if he had slapped her across the face. She wanted to scream and rail against him for his words, but she didn't have a rebuttal for his accusation. What was she to say?

_ It wasn't my fault. My mother made me. Rumplestiltskin broke me. Snow betrayed me._

All true, of course, but Regina was coming to learn that while they were true, they didn't make her actions _right_. Regina could never regret what she did, because her actions had led her to Henry, but that didn't mean she couldn't, perhaps, feel a _little _guilty for some of her methods.

Not that she would ever tell anyone that. Especially not _Robin Hood_.

"Let's just keep moving," Regina said, her anger deflating as she realized that railing at the thief wouldn't bring her son back to her any sooner. "I want that mirror. I want my _son_."

She began to walk, and after she had taken a few steps, Robin caught up and fell in with her. The mood which, moments before, had been heated and tempestuous, had faded away, leaving an odd sort of melancholy over the pair.

"I want my son, too," Robin said after a long moment. "And I know I'll be returning to him. So I'm sorry, that you're separated by realms from yours. And I'll do my best to help you fix that."

"Thank-you," Regina said after a moment, her tone stilted and unsure. "I appreciate that."

She looked up at him with a small smile, and Robin returned it, both of them uncertain. An odd electricity filled the space between them, and Regina found that she couldn't look away from him. After a long moment spent like that, Robin cleared his throat and looked away.

"Yes, well… there's a village ahead. We can replace the horses _you_ lost us earlier there, _Your majesty_."

Robin set off once more, and Regina muttered a curse she had picked up from the world without magic under her breath as she glared after him.

"I _told_ you not to say it like that!"

**AN: I think I might turn this into a series of one shots over the hiatus that covers the Outlaw Queen courtship from general distaste to love. It could be fun. This takes place in my head canon curse world, where Emma and Henry remain in our world while everyone else is sent to the Enchanted Forest.**


End file.
